By
Michael Abromowitz,
7/26/06
Ladies and
Gentlemen, I would like to congratulate all of
you on successfully surviving another long and grueling dead season. I know it must have been very hard for a lot
of you. I know there were times when you
were tempted to watch some Arena Football League or try to get a glance
of
Ricky Williams in the Canadian Football League. However,
if you happen to find the
correct channel and watched some of
the other pro football leagues, you would have only made yourself miss
the NFL
even more. Not being cruel toward the
other leagues, but you cannot replace the NFL. It
is the best form of sports
entertainment in the world. Foreigners may
argue that soccer is more
entertaining, but I am making the assumption that my readers prefer
football. For those foreigners who are
reading this article believing this is a European football website, I
deeply
apologize. I get a lot of visitors from
the South American countries (I assume they quickly leave the site). Anyways, because there is so little football
news to write about (unless someone feels it is important to write
about the
tenth Bengal to be arrested), I am going to
write a
“What If" article.
The
point of this article is very little, and it is for pure
entertainment only. And if I fail to
entertain you, I urge you to read one of Bill Simmons’ articles on
ESPN.com. If Simmons fails to entertain
you, I urge you to travel to the Black Hills of South Dakota and find a
sense
of humor.
Now,
back to the article: What if there was no
football? Yes, this seems like a very
corny topic,
but I know many of you have had
a hard time these past months without the football, what would life be
if the
dead season was year around?
If
there was no football the divorce rate would be
lower. Every Sunday, millions of husbands
leave their wives to either go to the stadium, a bar, or buddy’s house
to watch
a football game. Before I get too far, I
admit there are many female football fans. Those
women are what you call keepers. I do not
count the women who go to the
football games and bring a
magazine to read as football fans. Anyways,
with millions of men away on
Sundays, wives become angry and
the troubled marriages begin. Women
argue why the guy needs to spend sixty dollars to go to a game, while
he can
just watch it at home. Women argue why the
guy has to leave for the game four hours before it even starts. These are little examples, of a troubled
marriage beginning. Imagine!
Without football, millions of divorces
could
have been prevented. However, with that,
millions of divorce attorneys would be out of a job.
Do you smell a conspiracy with the NFL
and
divorce lawyers. I need to call Robert
Langdon. Wait a minute; I do not think
this is Langdon’s type of conspiracies.
With
no football, what would replace the spectacle of the
Super Bowl? What one event, would
millions of people host parties and spend that whole night celebrating
that
certain event? It cannot be baseball,
basketball, or hockey because those championships do not have one
single
game. It cannot be the MLS, because
there are not a million people willing to watch the championship. Yes, I believe without the NFL the MLS would
be more popular, but I do not predict it eclipse anything close to the
NFL
popularity. But then the question came
upon me: Is NASCAR considered a
sport? I am not a big NASCAR fan, but
because of its popularity and danger I will consider it a sport. With no football, I think NASCAR will become
the biggest sport in the country. With that, it only makes sense that
the
Daytona 500 be the event. However, to
make the event more “primetime” it would begin at night and each car
would have
different sponsorships for the event. Sponsorships
will have to pay a lot more
money for the Daytona event compared
to other events. For example, to
advertise the new Denzel Washington movie, Paramount
will pay three million dollars for Denzel’s face on Jimmie Johnson’s
car. These expensive
advertisements will replace
the need for commercials.
Oh
crap this article could go on forever. I
know many of you are tempted to switch to a
Bill Simmons’ article so I will switch to the abridge version. Here I go:
What
if there was no football……
Ben
Roethlisberger would be riding his motorcycle even more
(but the bike would be a lot cheaper).
Drew Rosenhaus would be competing with Scott Boras in
baseball.
Terrell Owens would be in the NBA Developmental League.
Thanksgiving would be just another holiday.
Green Bay
would
be miserable during the winter.
Jeremy Bloom would be skiing.
Drew Henson would still be in minor league baseball.
The University of Miami would not be referred to as "the U."
Dhani Jones would be an English Professor at the University of Michigan.
Mel Kiper Jr. would stil be analyzing speed, height, and instincts, but
this time for the new National Rugby League's draft. Kiper- "He
does not have great speed, but he is elusive and able to break the
tackle. Solid pick by the Detroit Gangstas."
I
could go on and on, but I would just bore the heck out of
you. So I will let you go, so you can
read Simmons’ article at ESPN. To be
nice, I will give you a link. And do not
take the divorce thing too serious. I
really doubt, by having no football, millions of divorces could be
prevented. Maybe just a couple hundred
thousands! Anyways, I am out.
