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My first article in a month! Wow! I
totally had some serious
writer’s block. Or was it that I was
just avoiding hate mail for the past month? I
really do not have a good excuse to
you. Wait… it comes to me.
Ah, the brilliant word that so many
people
use to describe why they are not working: sabbatical. I
was on
sabbatical. I was doing research on the
life of the average American experience. I
wanted to see what it was like going
to football games. I also wanted to take
that experience and see how it compares to watching the game on a
recliner eating a bunch of potato
chips. Anyways, this is a great
marketing pitch for one of my friend’s companies: Dirty Potato Chips. The next time you are watching the game on
the couch, enjoy it with a bag of Dirty Potato Chips.
They really are the best chips in the
world. Anyway, back to the
sabbatical. After my month long
research and extenisve analysis, I have come to the conclusion that
Americans love football. So
now my sabbatical is finished and I can go
back to writing cheesy and sometimes annoying football articles. Oh yeah, go back to having my webmail filled
with
lovely hate mail. Oh for my critics who
say I am full of crap about this sabbatical stuff.
As I mentioned in a previous article,
this is
what you need to do. Listen clearly. You need to get off your butt, drive or fly
to South Dakota. After you get to South
Dakota, drive into the Black Hills. When you get there, you are going to have
drive around and look for your sense of humor. The
Black Hills
is a big place, for some of you
critics it could take a while. If
the
last thing was totally stupid, maybe I should go to the Black
Hills
and find my own sense of humor.
Anyway, if you get down
this far in the article I want to
congratulate you on getting closer to the actual column.
However, you will not be receiving any
certificate because it is not like you chopped wood with your pinky. You read! Yeah, you read. Maybe
for pride,
next time you are at the water cooler you could go to a fellow
employee, and
tell them this: “Yo, guess what? I read
TheFootballExpert.com’s article and completed the first paragraph all
by
myself.” Maybe afterwards you do a
little celebratory dance. It probably
will have the same effect of Road Trip’s
Kyle. “I had sex last night, with a girl!” Also, you will be doing the website great
favors with your word by word advertisement. Now
to the actual article. I hear the audience
as they get quiet preparing
to find out what the heck the actual article is. Ladies
and gentlemen can I have the envelope
please. This article will
be………..dramatic moments need pauses………….Top Ten Reasons why it is OK to
Miss
Your Football Team’s Game. For
dramatic
effect, I will go backwards from 10-1. At
last, here we go
Top Ten Reasons why it is OK to Miss
Your Football Team’s Game
10.
You want to be like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie so you are busy saving
an undeveloped country in Africa.
9.
You have the opportunity to go out with a beautiful lady. I hate
to be picky, but I think it is only worth missing the game if she is a
7 or higher. Some guys might have stricter scales and only allow
8 or higher.
8.
You are serving our country in the armed forces. You have
far more important issues to worry about. I thank all of you
for serving our country.
7. You are Nostradamus. If you know the
outcome of the game, I guess there is no real reason to watch
it. Anyways, if you were Nostradamus you should use your powers
to pick the winning lottery numbers.
6.
You are on your honeymoon. I know
what you are thinking. This is only on the list because these
days every one seems to go to some exotic island where there is no
access to football. So this is not on the list because
you want to spend time with your new spouse, you just have no other
choice. Maybe people will start doing honeymoons in
Cincinnati. Don’t laugh, my parents did that…. a few years
ago.
5.
You are Paris Hilton. Ms. Hilton might say she likes the
Cardinals because she likes Matt Leinart’s butt, but she probably has
no idea how to play the game. So I think she has a reason not to
watch the game. She should probably go do something she is good
at, however, I cannot think of anything.
4.
You are one of the football players suspended for the season because of
the NFL drug policy. Missing a whole season can be tough.
It only makes it harder having to watch your team play while you are
stuck at home. If I were you I recommend you going somewhere
exotic like Jamaica to get away from it all. Wait a minute!
The more I think of the drug policy, Jamaica may not be the best
place. Better go to Europe: have you been to Amsterdam?
3.
The Pussycat Dolls are touring in your city. No, I have never
been to one of The Pussycat Dolls’ concert, but I imagine it is a
little burlesque mixed with some cheesy singing. So in other
words, sounds pretty entertaining.
2.
You are Dan Snyder. Instead of spending each week watching your
billion dollar investment disappoint you, I recommend a vacation to one
of you castles or islands. I mean I figure your new buddy Tom
Cruise knows a few people. If I have it right, he is still
friendly with Penelope Cruz. Wait a minute, if I was Dan Snyder,
I would certainly be missing the game. Penelope Cruz is
hot. I would not mind Tom Cruise's sloppy seconds.
NOTE: I know Mr. Snyder is married.
1.
You are a Packers or Raiders fan. Sorry guys, this is going to be
a
long season. Lucky for Oakland, the A’s might make the
playoffs. For you Packers, you always have some great
cheese. Packer fans start watching some Oklahoma football games,
Adrian Peterson could be a Packer next year. For you Raider fans,
you should be watching some Notre Dame games, and I bet you know
why.
Well, I am out. I got
a hot date, well if you consider a 7 hot.
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